You know, I’ve thought exactly the same thing

http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/market_evidently_capable_of

After spending a good amount of time at home sick, watching my beloved Food Network, and the occasional Slice and TLC, I have also noticed that there are a strange and disproportionate amount of shows about cake.  Food Network Challenge (normally it’s a cake, really), Ace of Cakes, Cake Boss, and Last Cake Standing.  There are also a lot of shows specifically about chefs competing.  Top Chef, Chopped, Food Network Challenge (again), Hells Kitchen and Iron Chef America.  Has all creativity gone out the window? Or is this just fashion?

Warhammer cake!

http://www.joystiq.com/2009/08/26/warhammer-cake-bites-into-food-network/

What would Brian Boitano do? make food t.v.

Brian Boitano, yes THAT Brian Boitano, Olympic figure skater Brian Boitano, and his new Food Network series What Would Brian Boitano Make?. I can’t help but think, really? He’s a figure skater.  I’m sure he loves to whip up a bowl of pasta after a long hard day at the rink.  Does this qualify him for a show on Food Network?  Do I qualify for a show on Food Network?  Does my dog qualify for a show on Food Network?  I’m concerned.

The types of people who used to teach us cooking on t.v. were at least in some way qualified.  They were actual visionaries, chefs, and scientists.  You had to at least run a cooking school, have a restaurant, write cookbooks, something in the food industry.  Now it seems all you need is a tenuous link to celebrity first, chef distant second.

Think of the train wreck that is The Next Food Network Star.  These people don’t know anything about food and really don’t care.  They have the sincerity of Big Brother contestants.  They don’t really want to wear whites and stand on their feet for 14 hours a day cranking out food.  They want to tour the food show circuit.

I can understand where they are coming from, the food celebrity gig sounds like heaps of fun.  The problem is that those most compelling to watch on Food TV have a bit of grit to them.  You can tell that their confidence with their subject comes from many, many hours doing what they do until their hands are numb and their feet hurt and mental breakdown is impending.

Made for t.v. hosts such as Roger Mooking of Everyday Exotic, Rob Rainford of License to Grill, and dullest of all David Rocco of David Rocco Dolce Vita have about as much edge as a member of a boy band.  And are they really much different?  They have been put through so many auditions, focus groups, filters, committees, and stylists.  What’s left but a big peroxide smile and some recipes ripped off from Martha Stewart?

While What Would Brian Boytano Make? Probably won’t ever even make it to Canadian food t.v., if it does, I will still be very interested to see how it all goes down.  Will food t.v. fans be interested in watching someone with admittedly no culinary background at all?  And will they be able to stop thinking about him in tights with fluttery sleeves?

Thank Bollocks for that….

Am having a really nice night in.  Hubby is working late so made myself an incredibly virtuous dinner.  Rainbow Trout baked with baby bok choi, tomato, garlic, ginger and orange, served over white wine garlic noodles.  Not a drop of oil or butter.  Completely by accident of course, only as used all the oil last night no deep fry calamari.  Ha ha, yeah.  But dinner was a step in the right direction by all accounts.  So much so that I said Fuck It and made Sticky Toffee Pudding.   This one only I changed it up a little bit. I made the cake batter by microwaving the dates in the water to speed up the softening.  Put the dry ingredients in the food processor to blitz, then tip out into a bowl.  Put dates in the processor and puree.  Add the rest of the wet ingredients, blitz, add dry ingredients, pulse.  Tip into greased square pan and bake.  So much simpler.  So much faster into my waiting, greedy mouth.  Also can’t be bothered making the sticky sauce usually, just make the custard with demerara sugar instead of plain, and a little dribble of molasses.  Good stuff.  If you have never had this, and if you live anywhere other than the UK it’s probable, try it as soon as possible.  There is a reason that Hagen Daas has made this their new flavor.

I am also, much to my happiness, watching The F Word on Food Network.  Such a good show.  I mean, where else can you watch a food show that involves swearing, sperm tests, home animal husbandry, nervous teenagers doing it for the first time, fishy tasting birds, celebrities being fed things while blind folded, and have all these things be completely above board, wholesome family viewing.  When we moved into the new apartment, my main concern was how fast we could get cable, because I knew I was rapidly missing episodes.  Perhaps this is sad, but frankly people, my husband works until 3am most nights, I am bored.  If it wasn’t for Gordon Ramsey yelling at complete twats on network television most nights a week, I might be forced to go out, go the gym, forge a social life, all sorts of unthinkable ideas.

To add to the theme this evening of food/sex double entendre, as I was logging on to put this entry in, I thought I would check my stats.  I was surprised and confused to find that my most visited posting is Apple Pie and Toad in the Hole.  I can only imagine that this is what the kids are calling some new obscene sex act that I am not privy to.  Maybe I should put even more sex based meta data into my blog to round up even more accidental hits.  Hmmm, but food based.  Tea bagging, spotted dick, cherry, Lays, Twinkie, banana split, coq a vin, melons, fish pie.   I could go on.  Porn.

And it has only gotten worse…

Stumbled across an old blog post by Anthony Bourdain today, dated February 8, 2007 http://blog.ruhlman.com/ruhlmancom/2007/02/guest_blogging_.html. This goes on to hilarious lengths about how bad The Food Network is. Granted, a lot of Anthony Bourdain’s anger is due to being right royally screwed by the food network, and this has been discussed at length on many a food lovers blog. Sadly, over one year later, we are not seeing much progress in the right direction. By December 2007, people that loved The Food Network were tuning out in droves, and the shows brought out to try to liven things up a bit have been abysmal. There was the embarrassment that was “Dinner Impossible”, for instance. There just seems to be a whole lot of useless.

On Canadian Food Network there is even less to watch. We have an entire network of Canadian Chefs speaking to us like the hosts on Romper Room. There are few things more condescending than Micheal Smith or Anna Olsen explaining how to crack an egg. I would rather repeat kindergarten than watch any of their shows. Yet they keep getting expanded! ‘Fresh With Anna Olsen’, which is just ‘Sugar’ with salt instead of sugar and a lot of shots of her extended family, or this show with Michael Smith traveling around being Michael Smith. Do we really need Michael to speak to other cultures like they have hearing loss? This is not a good representation of our country.

Where is our salvation? The UK. This year, Food Network Canada is bringing us ‘Sweet Baby James’ with James Martin and ‘The F Word’ with Gordon Ramsay. ‘Sweet Baby James’ is a beautifully shot, well edited show featuring inspiring deserts that are visually exciting. Thank God. The whole point of food TV finally brought back. ‘The F Word’ is more Gordon Ramsay genius. I had the opportunity to watch season one of ‘The F Word’ when I lived in England in 2006, and it is fabulous. What you get is a non-stop combo of Gordon Ramsay swearing at intern chefs, Top Chef-like competition, celebrity cook-offs with Gordon, Gordon raising livestock in his back garden with his impossibly cute children, and interesting food commentary by folks such as Times food reporter, Giles Coren. Instead of copying styles he is COMBINING THEM! He is like an evil food/media genius!

But seriously, this is the point of a channel like the food network. Let’s not be naive here, this is not PBS. This is not meant to be educational. We are now hardened users of The Food Network, we don’t want the soft stuff any more. We need Food Network Crystal Meth. Hardcore food pornography. A food dominatrix slapping our exposed heineys with whip cracks of Heston Blumenthal. Ouch! One more please, Mistress Nigella! But I digress..

We need brighter, sharper, more challenging food television. Where it keeps falling down is by dumbing it down, diluting the colours, getting duller, more attractive hosts. Don’t show me Midwestern housewives throwing something together for dinner. Show me how to make spun sugar, or sea water jelly, or durian foam stuffed into blown quails egg shells. I don’t care, I cook already, that’s why I’m watching this, so don’t crouch down and ask me to show you on my fingers how old I am.

The US and Canada is falling down on this and England and Austrailia are kicking our butts with interesting food television. When ‘Ready Steady Cook’ comes over and starts passing as really revolutionary TV, just hit me over the head with something heavy and dull. An episode ‘French Food At Home’ will work.